Manchester United striker Cristiano Ronaldo today denied diving in front of a car in Manchester.
'I no dive', he said, 'I walk along street when this Ferrari mount the pavement and crash into my feet, so I fell to the ground. Was very sore, but I no dive.' And his manager Sir Alex Ferguson said: 'The boy nivver dived. I've spoken to the big girl's blouse, and if he says it was the car's fault then it was the car's fault.'
But the car owner, Liverpool fan Mr. W. Hinger, claimed that the Portugese star dived right out into the road, making him swerve and crash into the central reservation. 'If he wasn't a Man U player no way would he get off with a mere word from the cops - any 'Pool player would have been booked and fined, as well as being done for receiving, car theft, driving without a license, burglary, drink-driving, and resisting arrest. Typical bias from the bizzies towards Manchester!'
Many were surprised that Ronaldo could be knocked over by a car and then get up and walk away uninjured, and some were suggestion he'd not actually been hit at all, but had - well, dived. 'No', the star said, 'it glance me on the ankle, so I have to fall down on my knees and roll over twelve times in agony, and shout in pain and cry tears. Then I have miracle cure and pain go away, and I go round corner for many, many drinks.'
It is unlikely the DVLA will revoke Ronaldo's diving license.