It was announced today that darts is to become an Olympic sport in 2012. Spokesman Fascisti Espano, said: 'Nations will be represented by teams of four darts players each, but certain regulations will be put in place to make this on a par with other sports.'
'Players must not be lighter than 200 pounds, and must smoke no less than 30 cigarettes during any one match. Before the ties take place all players must drink 12 pints of lager and eat two fish suppers, and any form of prematch warm-up exercises will not be allowed, nor any exercise within the last 20 years.'
'And of course all players must have a stomach that a sumo wrestler would be proud of, and must have their arms tattooed with words like 'I'M A SPORTSMAN, HONEST' and 'MUM'.'
The undisputed king of darts, Phil 'The Power Lunch' Taylor, had this to say about the Olympics. 'Of course darts is a sport, and it's only right that the Olympics should include it as a medal event. I just hope - pint of Stella, please - I just hope that they don't allow ridiculous sports to be included, such as pool and shove ha'penny, though topless darts might be a fun one. Spectators would pay just to watch all the huge breasts of the players wobbling and swaying about - and that would just be the male ones!'
But darts legend Jocky Wilson said: 'See thay Olympics, I'd only be interested in them if I could get away with their five gold rings, and hock them at my local pawn shop. Darts should stay where it belongs, being played in pubs by alkies in a room full of spilt beer and half-eaten mince pies, and drunken wives.'
Phil, you require 23 - pints of lager.