Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson is to decide the entire premier league fixture programme according to a statement released today. The 9 time league winner has shown much displeasure at this seasons fixture list protesting that it left United at a considerable disadvantage in defence of their title. Ferguson has even accused league officials of bias in a whiskey fuelled rant earlier this month.
In the interest of fairness league officials have agreed the only solution is to let Ferguson have his way. He is to sit down with favourite referee Rob Styles and lay out a schedule suitable for the club.
United are expected to play most of their 38 games at home, possibly visiting Villa Park on the odd occasion. Their games will all be played against either Stoke City, Fulham or Bury of League Two. Chelsea are anticipated to play every other game away in Japan against a team of Fergie's hand-picked allstars. Liverpool and Arsenals first 22 games will bizarrely all take place against each other but there will be no goal posts.
In a statement given outside a local tavern at 10.55AM this morning the respected manager declared to waiting reporters and fellow winos,'It's about time we got a fair shot at this title'. On hearing the news Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger is said to have exclaimed a rather large profanity not recognisable in any of the 5 languages in which he is said to be fluent.