Written by Honest Lee
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Saturday, 3 January 2009

image for Portsmouth buy Santa - Cruz - James to take over

South coast hack Ernie "Tom" Cruz reports from Portsmouth that the club have bought Santa Claus for an undisclosed sum. Tony Adams has not revealed the terms of the deal but it is reported to be a long term one involving a steady supply of mince pies , sherry and cake.

Santa's team of reindeer are also said to be involved in the package and will receive carrots, hay and lodgings down the road at the ground of Southampton, where they will be free to roam on this underused pitch.

"It has been a dream since I was a boy" said Santa, clearly worse for wear after his Xmas dash. "I've been coming here for 2,000 years or so and jumped at the opportunity when the gaffer wrote to me with his Xmas list."

Adams belives he can wean Santa off the sherry slowly and will sit on his knee when he takes him to the thrice weekly AA meetings, which he himself has been attending for the last 15 years.

Current keeper David James will take over the role vacated by Santa but will restyle his hair to the "Superman" effect he wore a few years back. "I've given lots of presents over the last 20 years so this will just be an exciting continuation of my profession."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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