Written by dp1g08
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Friday, 2 January 2009

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The fortunes of Southampton Football Club were today turned unpside down with the shock takeover by Russian Billionaire, Alexei Vordazov. Vordazov, who has a personal fortune of over $20 billion, yesterday paid 27p per share, valuing the club at next to nothing.

Outgoing chairmen, Rupert Lowe and Michael Wilde, were reportedly forced at gunpoint to sign the deal after initially refusing until the future of the picture of the Doncaster Steam Train was assured within the Boardroom. However, Hampshire Police, have refused to arrest the Russian as it was believed "not to be in the public interest".

It is believed Mordashov will appoint Lawrie McMenemy director of football, and there are rumours of a return for Harry Redknapp to the club after he was quoted today, after the takeover, as wanting to return to Southampton - his "spiritual home".

The Russians are reportedly keen to appoint a manager who is adept at the dark arts of football transfers, as they are looking to keep the AK47s under their desks for now. Other options include Sam Allardyce and George Graham.

A reported £300 million will be made immediately available to ensure promotion. Vordazov has pledged to add experience to the young squad, and has already earmarked Ronaldo, Xavi, Eto'o, Cannavaro and Arshavin.

The club will apparently take a more aggressive approach to the promotion charge, with Vordazov creating a new club motto, supposedly from Ivan Drago in Rocky IV (he's obviously forgotten which sport he's bought into!): "If he dies, he dies".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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