Written by Keir Gibson
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Tuesday, 30 December 2008

It is a pinnacle moment in the footballing calender as we approach the new year, the final few pages of 2008 are being written and looking back it can only be overshadowed by a few premiership upsets.

Of course these were all laughed off at the Premiership Christmas party where Jimmy Bullard entertained the crowd, which apparently Stéphane Henchoz was rejected from and that Andy van der Meyde was escorted home early as he was found passed out in the shadow of his former Inter Milan days accompanied only by 5 bottles of Vodka, 3 pints of sick and a young waiter named Juan.

The January transfer window draws near and speculation is, as always, looming to who our beloved teams will be scouting for. One such rumour that has plagued our back pages and websites comes from Merseyside where Italian Stallion Andrea Dossena, who arrived at Anfield for an undisclosed fee believed to be around £7million, has outstayed his welcome and has been forced out by Emiliano Insua, the Argentinian wizkid.

When Dossena was asked about his Liverpool career he said, 'I wish I had let my football do the talking, but I was never very good.' However his team mates have rallied around him and Steven Gerrard was quick to his defence... probably because Andrea could not track back quick enough.

Some Liverpool players have been less forgiving, or maybe just trying to get the competitive edge, Emiliano Insúa has been trying to break into the first team for a couple of years now and my sources tell me Mr Insúa created the perfect opportunity on 4th December, two nights prior to a crucial game against Blackburn Rovers.

Part of the reason Andrea Dossena's performance for Liverpool have been less than convincing was his introduction to the social networking site Facebook during pre-season, apparently Fabio Aurelio became jealous of Dossena and knew he would force him out of the first team eleven, knowing of Andrea's addictive personality he introduced him to the website hoping it would distract him from football, and from then on Dossena was a victim to the networks abundance of applications and features.

During the 5th December Andrea Dossena was absent from training and Rafael Benitez, the manager of Liverpool FC, was displeased by the players lack of respect for the club. He was in line to play on the 6th but was promptly dropped for his absence, and due to Aurelio's average personality he thought Emiliano Insúa would be the perfect candidate.

Liverpool fans were happy about this replacement, one fan, when asked about the Italians disappearance, simply exclaimed 'he is fat!' No shock there, but even Liverpool rejects like Jermaine Pennant responded to the Left backs lack of respect and said, 'I would kill to be in the team, I have in fact done that.' An investigation is on going.

The day after Liverpool's victory over Blackburn Rovers Dossena told the press that after a long stint eating cheese burgers rapped in ham and turkey slices whilst on Facebook, he had fallen asleep in nothing but his football boots in the changing room and his Sony Vaio had been stolen, replaced with a low spec Acer. At first the Italians suspicion was of course new siging Philipp Degen, but confused as to which was which at training when Philipp's brother David had come to visit, he spat at David and a brawl ensued.

During this time Jamie Carragher was talking to Spanish lefty Albert Riera, however due to Riera's poor grasp of the language and Carragher's poor grasp of the verbal communication the conversation was not going well, so Xabi Alonso got involved. He noticed that Carragher had been trying to show Riera Dossena's Facebook page.

The Italians profile had been completely defaced, including his profile picture which was now the Michelin man, replacing Dossena and co at the Liverpool MTV Europe Music Awards 2008. The whole profile had been changed and although details are limited Dossena's interests now included a childish 'being gay' and 'not being very good at left full/wing back.'

The truth came out in late December when Dirk Kuyt, a spy for Benitez caught Insua reading through Dossenas Facebook private messages, and writing on friends wall's, including a wall post to Robbie Keane 'you could score with me anytime.'

Insua has been fined a weeks wages for his tomfoolery but his performance in the first team has allowed him to cement a permanent place at left back. Andrea has said, 'I cannot see the funny side of this, I am hurt,' my sources maintain he is hurt from the bruising that the Degen brothers caused in a twin attack which included moves like the sleeper hold and their trade mark 'right back at ya.'

Andrea Dossena is expected to move back to Italy in January.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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