The normally staid and tedious world of snooker was shattered into its component parts last night when it was alleged that the world number 768, Jimmy J. "Jimmy" Jameson, deliberately threw his UK Championship match against world number 2, Stevie "Oh shit, my hair's on fire" McGuire.
"The circumstances clearly point to match-fixing," said Frank Lymadear, chief irregularity-spotter for world snooker's governing body, World Snooker. "Shortly before the match began, we had bookmakers ringing us on the special bright red emergency phone down by the coffee machine in the basement to tell us that lots of people had been betting on McGuire to win, and that nobody fancied Jameson much. It was as if people somehow knew that Jameson was going to lose. We believe that Jameson turned up for that match already knowing that he, a rubbish player occasionally rising to mediocre, had no chance of winning against McGuire, a talented and horny young player unbeaten in his last eighty five appearances."
This is not the first time that Jameson has been accused of match-fixing naughtiness. While still an amateur, questions were asked after he mysteriously lost 5-4 to then world champion John "Crusher" Higgins in an exhibition match at Pontin's, Rhyl.
Last night, McGuire came to the defence of his opponent, saying that any allegation that Jameson was paid to play a game knowing he would lose was "ridiculous", and declaring him "a really good bloke and worth every penny."
World Snooker's investigation continues.