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Wednesday, 10 December 2008

image for Big Phil Scolari Going Slowly Mental Claim Insiders
No Speaka De Eengleesh. John Terry Pictured On A Wild Night Out At Stringfellows With Equally Inebriated Team Mates

Chelsea manager Luiz Felipe 'Big Phil' Scolari is hovering on the brink of a severe mental meltdown according to friends and club insiders.

The pressure on Big Phil - who once chased a player around a training ground threatening to cave his effin skull in - has pushed the Brazilian to breaking point, although the man himself strenuously denies such allegations.

Usually while sucking on an oversized novelty lollipop and crossing his eyes in the manner of silent film star, currently long decomposed corpse, Ben Turpin.

'He thought the Brazil job was pressure,' said a Stamford Bridge insider. 'But it was nothing compared to what he's facing here. Fair enough, Brazil does have a population of 180 million football coaches, but they don't all have to step into the shoes of Jose Mourinho, or even Avram Grant, who led us to a Champions League Final before getting pissed wet through at the medal presentation and subsequently sacked. Mind you, you wouldn't want to step into Grant's shoes. They're a bit whiffy.'

'He's gone all barking right enough,' said A Stamford Bridge insider. 'He thinks he's in love with his desk and he's not above stroking himself in intimate places with the telephone handset when he thinks nobody's looking. While gazing longingly at a life sized poster of Ronaldinho.'

Arsene Wenger, Rafa Benitez, and Sir Alex Ferguson issued a joint statement to the press regarding the situation. It stated simply:

'You're Nobody Till Somebody Loves You.'

Club captain John Terry refused to comment.

Didier Drogba promised to sort his hair out if it would help.

Chelsea Pensioner Old Vic remarked:

'Course he's losing it. Us old boys often taunt him by chanting SENILE SENILE, and we don't mean see Niall Quinn for the vacant Sunderland job. Although it might be a better option. For us at least.'

Mrs Scolari was too busy making corned beef hash to comment when we approached her. But she did promise to give us an interview as soon as she grasped the language.

More as we get it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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