In an astonishingly embarrasing outburst yesterday in Geneva, Michelle 'Loopy As A Stunt Pilot' Platini claimed to a UEFA policy group that stadium design was deeply flawed.
Platini suggested that in every case, stadium roofs were covering the wrong areas.
'Zis roofing covers ze spectators,' he claimed. 'And zat is obviousemently wrong. Ze roof should cover ze playing area, so zat ze playeurs do no not get wet on rainy days.'
As the UEFA policy group squirmed in abject embarrassment, the clearly deluded UEFA President continued:
'We have zese vast steel cantilever roof constructions to protect ze rabble from ze elements, while ze players, such as Ronaldo, Kaka, Gerrard, and others who are valued at Zillions of Euros are unprotected. We should protect ze valuable assets of ze teams and let ze rabble use pacamacs and sou'westers, and take flasks of hot Bovril or somesink. Leave zem to zeir own devices and stop ze players from catching colds and ze flu and sings. Prevent zem from getting soaking wet and cold.'
An unnamed representative from a leading Premiership Club confided to the Spoof:
'The man's just plain daft. Must have bashed his head against every wall in Paris as a kid, because his mindset is just plain bleeding scrambled.'
Not all reaction was negative though, Cristiano Ronaldo quipped:
'Perhaps he has a point there. The wind and rain in England do play havoc with my hair,'
Sir Alex Ferguson, Man United supremo, long standing and outspoken critic of the UEFA President when informed regarding Platini's remarks, chuckled in a Govan way:
'Bloody press eh? What are you lot like? Forever taking the piss.'
We assured Sir Alex that we were not taking the piss.
But he didn't appear to believe us.
More as we get it.
This story is a load of old BOLLOCKS anyway