Written by Dan DiLucchio
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Topics: Local, glue

Thursday, 10 June 2004

image for Smarty Investment Finally Pays
Handler Squeezes Glue out of Smarty

Release June 10, 2004: Your local Staples Office Supply Superstore is now selling the Smarty Glue Stick. Losing the Belmont Stakes, and ultimately the coveted, and elusive, Triple Crown, "Someone had to pay," said owner and major bettor, Roy Chapman. "Smarty Jones cost us a fortune. What with feeding him, shoes, bridles, paying that silly jockey and the enormous bets, we now have to try to recoup some of the money," he said.

Smarty Jones' jockey Stewart Elliott, who obviously didn't have the arm strength to beat this horse to a win, was quoted as saying that he would love to be paid $50 million to become a farm stud.

A large horse means lots of glue sticks and losing bettors everywhere are lining up for the $3.95 "Smarty" stick of glue. "These sticks will probably last a 2nd grader about a month and are well worth the asking price," said elementary principal, Jed Neighbors of Run for Your Life elementary school in Livingston, Kentucky.

Handsomely done, the label has a lovely picture of the horse, while alive, and the clever branding theme "If you lose you're gluz," - sure to capture the imagination of everyone who lost a Smarty bet and glue sniffers everywhere.

This news bureau has been informed that these sticks are a limited offer and when they're gone there will be no more.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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