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Thursday, 10 September 2009

image for Ohio State Preempts Outcome, Forfeits to Southern California
Disappointed fans stick around for the half-time show anyway

Columbus, Ohio - Confused fans watched in disbelief as Ohio State head coach Jim Tressel surrendered to Southern California head coach Pete Carroll in Ohio Stadium well in advance of the two teams scheduled match-up on Saturday.

"I just figured I would spare these young players the embarrassment of losing another one to USC," remarked Coach Tressel. "Faced with an ass-whipping of monumental proportion, I would rather keep them healthy for the rest of the season."

Visibly rattled, the sweatervest-clad Tressel answered one reporter's questions immediately afterward as follows:

Bob Costas - "Coach, this seems like a risky strategy. Are you confident in your ability to salvage the remainder of the season after just giving up? What message does this send to your team?"

Coach Tressel - "I'm not going to lie to you, Bob. I struggled with this decision. But in the end I have to protect my players. To put them out on that field with Southern Cal would have been just plain irresponsible on my part. Afterall, these schedules are written years in advance. If I knew then what I know now, there is no way I would have initially agreed to this game."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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