Written by matwil
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Topics: Cricket

Friday, 14 November 2008

image for English Cricket Team Tightens Selection Rules
'Does he speak 2 words of English? Can he play against his own planet?'

Today the MCC announced it was changing its rules for deciding whether people are eligible to play for England or not.

Chief Executive Sir Edward Handlebar said:'The new stricter rules mean that to play for England you must now be able to speak a sentence in English, and either have an English first or an English second name, or at least one that isn't German. So that rules out Freddie Flintoff on two of those counts.'

We asked a few spectators at Lords what they thought about the new rules, and a Mr. Kevin S. Afrikaaner said: 'I'm all for it, about time! OK, that's all thee English Oi speaks, please get them kaffirs off the peetch!' Another spectator, Devon Nmalcolm also said: 'Righteousssss, maan! Hey I already played for me Inglan' team, me knows ....' But some in the sport were not happy about the new rules. Former England captain Geoffrey Boycott said: 'I'm not happy about the new rules. I'm bloody unhappy about 'em, they're bloody ridiculous! Why, if we'd 'ad English speaking rules when I were nipper, neither me nor Fred Trueman would've stood chance. What next, allowing Welsh people to play for England? Or allowing Ian Botham to?'

But Sir Edward claimed that the new rules were already helping England's performance, after today's one day match against India. 'Yes, at least it wasn't a massacre this time. OK, it was, but the Indians cheated! They definitely spoke English words during the game. So now we'll be snapping up all the English-speaking Indians and South Africans and West Indians we can - and still lose. Maybe we need to tighten the rules even further, and only allow human beings from any nation on Earth that can play cricket decently to represent England. No? Oh well, just a thought.'

Tony Lewis was unavailable for comment. Howzat?

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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