DETROIT, Michigan - Detroit Lions owner William Clay Ford, Jr. thoroughly disgusted with his teams (38-14) loss to the Jacksonville Jaguars and (0-9) season record has decided to move his team.
Ford told a sports reporter for The Detroit Light-Post-Review, Trenton Taliaferro, that not only is he moving the Detroit Lions out of state, he is moving them out of the country.
He stated, "I am moving my team to Africa. I have been in contact with the mayor of Lachinga, Mozambique, Mumafa Simbafa, and we have reached an agreement and worked out a deal where the Detroit Lions will become the Lachinga Lions. And we will play our remaining four home games at the newly remodeled 'Tarzan and Jane Stadium.'"
Ford told Taliaferro, "You know Trent there comes a time when an NFL team owner has to look in the mirror and say to himself, 'hey, I'm a damn NFL team owner, I can do whatever I damn well please.' And believe me that time happened for me at 11:45 PM last Sunday night in the master bedroom of my St. Clair Shores $3.8 million mansion, 'La Casa de los Leones' (The Lions House).
It pains me to say it, but our team is just not getting the job done. We are last or close to last in several team categories including; total first downs, third down conversions, total yards rushing, field goals, and Gatorade consumption. To put it in the email vernacular, we are 'PPPPP' (playing pretty pitifully piss poor)."
Ford did however, beam with pride and joy as he said, "I would like to take the time to express my sincerest appreciation to all of our die hard fans...and especially to our season ticket holders.
I would also like everyone to know that any fans who want to come out to the Ford Stadium parking lot and hold their tailgate parties prior to the game can still do so. There will be a slight charge of $87 per vehicle to help defray the team's moving expenses to Africa.
And I especially want to acknowledge and to convey my most heartfelt gratitude to Martina K. Zollicoffer, 97, a Detroit Lions season ticket holder since 1938. And I want her to know that I will personally be flying her in my own private Lear jet to Lachinga, Mozambique to attend the last four Lions home games.
And Ms. Zollicoffer will be staying with me and my wife in our motel room at the downtown Lachinga Motel Six. And at the game we will pay for her soft drinks, her popcorn, her program, and her zebraburger."
Ford then grinned and said, "Now I heard from a local radio station that our quarterback Daunte Culpepper is not happy about the team's move to Africa. So all I'll say to Mr. Culpepper is to find a way to get over that feeling very quick, because the Mayflower movers will be at Ford Stadium bright and early tomorrow morning.
So as they say over in Mozambique, "Niki, naki, noomi, noofi, oly, oly, oxen free," which roughly translated means, "Be very careful where you step because the local adult oxen for some strange reason get diarrhea every two or three days."
In other news, it is being reported on Fox News that Vice-President Dick Cheney was temporarily detained at the White House front gate when secret service agents found his suitcase filled with official White House silverware including 17 forks, 19 spoons, 13 knives, and a Lincoln Memorial Commemorative egg beater.