The development of work on Liverpool FC's new stadium, Stanley Park, has been hit by a huge setback amid reports that the foundations had been stolen.
Police released a statement on 22nd October confirming that a theft had "taken place in the early hours of Wednesday morning at a building site belonging to a sporting organisation based on the south side of Stanley Park". CCTV footage is being studied at Merseyside Police HQ. Early witness reports suggest that the perimeters were breached by a gang of overweight shaven headed men well into their thirties charging a security fence dressed in red shirts, tracksuit bottoms and scarves pulled over their faces.
It appears they made off with around 50 tonnes of steel support, iron rods and some general scaffolding. One person sporting a Rafa Benitez-style goatee and a placard saying "Anfield forever" fled police as he was graffitiing the words "Kop that!" on the gates to the site with another who was filming him on a mobile phone stolen from one of the worker's huts nearby. A spokesperson for Liverpool FC said, "it's sad, y'know, airrr, t'sonely ar'andfu'la'fans, y'know, hardcore, probably aars, like". Police expect that the thieves will melt the metal down in exchange for cold hard cash.
In another development, 'Pool FC's owners, Tom Hicks and George Gillet, have reportedly pawned the club.
It seems that the credit crunch has hit the American duo hard in recent weeks following problems with the extension of a £350 million loan from the now publicly backed Royal Bank of Scotland. With this unlikely to go ahead, reports suggested that investment bank Merril Lynch had been trusted with finding a new owner.
However, unfamiliar with the Scouse dialect and the streets of Merseyside, the Americans found their way to Meryl Lynch, a pawnbroker in the L4 district of town. Local reports suggest that Hicks, unable to understand what was being said over the counter and Gillet, whose glasses had been stolen on the way there, signed the club over for the time being to the tune of £37.50 for what they both thought was actually £375 million. And if things could be no worse for the Merseyside club, The Spoof discovered Meryl Lynch's husband to be a true blue die-hard Everton fan.
Meanwhile, the red half of the city has amassed onto the streets scraping together as much shrapnel and other bits of brass they can find off doors, locks and windows. Mysteriously, a group calling themselves "Shankly's Soldiers" has, in an ambiguous statement, offered to use "precious metal" to secure the club's future. In the interim, SkyBet has Manchester United stalwart, Gary Neville, brother of Everton FC captain Phil Neville and Liverpool fans' favourite hate figure, as the favourite to buy the club up at 4-1.