Jack Mank, footballer, today admitted to newspaper rumours that he was his father's son.
Jack, 21, decided to come clean about allegations that his mother and his father were both his 'parents', and that his parental father was indeed his "sperm-daddy", as people who speak 'jive' might say Life for Jack Mank, we learned, has apparently never been especially rife with worry or frustration. But one question that always plagued him was about his father.
"You see, he's so unlike me. He's older for a start, and more prone to bits of random coarse hair. He's a bit of a fat git too. Not that I hold that against him, but all these physiological clues led me to concern about who my father was."
DNA tests that Jack ran in his own shed, confirmed that he was indeed his father's son.
"I'm pleased. At the end of the day, we both done well."