FORTH WORTH, Texas - Dallas Cowboys Head Coach Wade Phillips told ESPN that he has talked to Cowboys owner Jerry Jones and that they have decided that it would be best to cancel next Sunday's game against the St. Louis Rams.
Phillips said that three of their key players will not be able to play. Tony Romo sustained a broken pinkie finger in last week's game against The Arizona Cardinals. Punter Mat McBriar sustained a broken foot on the blocked punt, the last play of the game. And punt returner Adam 'Pacman' Jones has been suspended for about a dozen different reasons.
Cowboys owner Jerry Jones said, "Look, I am well aware of the fact that the Rams do have a lowly (1-4) record, I get that. But I also do not want to take a chance on having my 'boys' go from having a (4-2) record to having a (4-3) record." Jones grinned and said, "I don't like having to cancel the game, but it is strickly a well-orchestrated business decision...I did not get to be a multi-billionaire by being stupid, and if people do not see it from the owner's point of view, then all I can say is 'tough titty said the kitty.'"
John Madden, 72, said that in all of his days as a player, a coach, and as a broadcast analyst that he cannot remember an NFL regular season game ever being cancelled because of injuries to some of the players. Madden stated, "I mean I can see Jerry and Wade's point, first you have the quarterback Tony Romo breaking his pinkie finger 'boom!' and then the punter McBriar breaks his foot 'boom!' and then you have 'Pacman' Jones breaking all kinds of rules and 'boom!' all of a sudden and actually right away the Cowboys go from being 47 point favorites to being 63 point underdogs." Madden said that he did call Terrell Owens and that T.O. told him that he isn't feeling too good because he has an old popcorn injury that is starting to act up a little bit.
ESPN did manage to speak with St. Louis Rams owner Chip Rosenbloom who when asked for a comment replied, "A comment, I'll give you a comment, who has ever heard of an NFL football game being cancelled just because of injuries and suspensions, I mean I know for a fact that the Cowboys have 54 players and if you take away three, they still have 51, so all I have to say is that this is nothing but football bullshit." Rams Head Coach Jim Haslett was asked to comment and he replied, "It's football bullshit with a capital 'K.' And when Free Safety Oshiomoqho Atoqwe (#21) was asked for his opinion he replied, "I just have two words to say about this mess and that is that this mess is nothing but football bullshit 101."
So needless to say there are a lot of upset Rams owners, coaches, players, fans, hot dog vendors, parking lot attendants, and bookies. Even one of the Rams cheerleaders was asked for her comment and she said, "Well I am from the south, and I am a lady and a very pretty blonde lady at that. And I never ever use curse words or cuss, or let the guy go beyond second base on the first date. But if I was not such a goody-goody two shoes, and if I was somewhat on the slutty side like a lot of the other cheerleaders, I would probably definitely, positively, and unequivocally say that this is a perfect example of a perfect example of baseball bull shit!"
So now Fox Sports is hurriedly trying to get a replacement event to fill the two and a half hour empty time slot. All of the NASCAR races are already being televised, Tiger Woods is still off hurt, and the NBA regular season has not started yet. So it appears that it may come down to three things; televising a bloodless bullfight from Eagle Pass, Texas, an exhibition senior citizens Chinese checkers tournament in San Francisco, or a concert by Tony Romo's girlfriend, Jessica Simpson at the Holiday Inn in Indianapolis.
And in weather news, there are currently no hurricanes anywhere, not in the Caribbean Sea, The Atlantic Ocean, The Gulf of Mexico, or Lake Ontario.
(Illustrations are slightly enlarged to show detail)