Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Sunday, 12 October 2008

image for Jose Canseco: "Officers, I Am Not An Illegal Alien!"
Jose Canseco's Glove and a baseball that was not autographed by Mark McGuire, Rafael Palmiero, or Sammy Sosa

SAN DIEGO, California - Former Major League Baseball player Jose Canseco was detained by US Department of Immigration authorities at San Diego's San Ysidro border crossing on suspicion of having an illegal substance which actually turned out to be rosin from a pitcher's rosin bag.

Canseco was detained for nine and a half hours while his automobile was throughly searched. Along with the rosin bag, agents also found some baseballs, a can of Skoal, a picturesque brochure from the Lots & Lots of Horny Muchachas Casa de Whores Whorehouse #2 in Tijuana, and an Amy Winehouse CD.

At first, Department of Immigration authorities were all excited because they thought that they had just apprehended the biggest, tallest, and heaviest illegal alien in the history of the illegal alien apprehending business. But officers soon realized that it was just Jose Canseco after he yelled out "Officers, I am not an illegal alien" in perfect English.

Agents from the US Immigration and Customs Enforcement Agency did drive to Canseco's Los Angeles home where they conducted a full-scale search of the house and premises. When asked what they found, Officer Bartolomeo Huckleberry Escobar replied, "Well after an extensive search, we found furniture, appliances, dishes, silverware, shoes, clothes, and underwear you know basically the usual stuff that people have.

He then added that they also took into custody, as evidence, 983 baseballs, 84 baseball bats, three baseball gloves, four Jose Canseco baseball cards, and one dog-eared Mark McGuire baseball card. He then said that rookie agent, Caitlynn Tiffany Kimble, 22, reported that she found four boxes of popcorn and crackerjacks and seven baseball cups stored underneath the kitchen sink.

Officer Kimble was asked if she meant baseball caps and she replied "No, baseball cups like, you know...the kind of cup that a baseball player sticks in the front of his underwear so that the baseball doesn't hit him in his...ahhh, what's the word I'm looking for?" and Officer Escobar said "Wiener?" and Officer Kimble replied "Yes, that's the word I was looking for...wiener."

Jose Canseco is currently drawing unemployment benefits, but he says that next spring he plans to try out for the Flagstaff Flagwavers of the Grand Canyon Class D Baseball League.

In a related story, Roger Clemens is denying reports coming out of Hollywood that he has been approached by Touchstone Pictures to play the part of Jose Canseco in the upcoming movie, 'The Real and True Jose Canseco Story - What The A in Oakland A's Really and Truly Stood For.'

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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