Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Friday, 10 October 2008

image for The Dallas Cowboys Report: 'Pacman' Brawls With His Own Bodyguard
A Football Autographed By Tony Romo (Photo courtesy of Tony's Ex-Girlfriend Carrie Underwood)

DALLAS, Texas - Adam 'Pacman' Jones of the Dallas Cowboys was involved in an altercation with Tommy Jones, (no relation) his own bodyguard, yes, his own bodyguard. The incident took place in Dallas in the bathroom of the swank Joule Hotel.

Coach Phillips was asked if Jones would be playing in Sunday's game against the Arizona Cardinals, and he replied, "Yes, Jones will definitey be playing...he will be in the lineup."

A reporter then asked him, "Okay, so coach, which is it?" And Phillips asked, "What which is which and what which are are you talking about?"

The reporter responded, "Well coach you just said that Jones would be playing and then you said that he would be in the lineup."

"Right," Phillips replied. "Well coach...which lineup is it?" "Oh, alright...I get it now.

"So then, let me put it this way, 'Pacman' Jones will be on the football field, dressed in his pretty Cowboy uniform with the big '21' on it, and he will be returning punts and helping us beat the opposing team namely the Arizona Cardinals who are (3 and 2) thank you."

Phillips was pressed for details on this much publicized incident and he answered, "Look gentlemen, I have no idea exactly what the heck happened. I don't know if the scuffle was about soap, paper towels, or toilet paper. I have no idea if it was about sports bets, or traffic tickets, or prostitutes, or politics. And to be frank with y'all, I don't want to know either."

Phillips added, "I'm just trying to pay my bills and mow my lawn like everyone else. I'm not a private investigator, I'm not a Texas Ranger, and I'm certainly not a closet Republican."

Coach Phillips was reminded that 'Pacman' had just recently come back after having been suspended for 17 months by NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell and he replied, "And so what???" The reporter then asked, "Coach, do you not see a pattern here?" And Phillips answered, "No...but to be honest with you, the only pattern that I see is that pattern baldness you're sportin' on the top of your noggin'." The reporter laughed and then added, "Okay coach, that's kinda funny, but I suggest that you do not quit your day job." Phillips smiled and shot him the finger.

Coach Phillips then looked over to the other side of the conference room and asked if there were any more questions. A reporter raised his hand and Coach Phillips asked, "Geraldo is that you?" And Geraldo answered, "Si, it is me Geraldo Rivera." And Phillips said, "My goodness gracious, you are everywhere these days, I saw you on the Fox Network when you were standing by the Galveston Seawall and you got knocked on your ass by the wind from Hurricane Ike...you doing okay?" "Oh yes, I'm fine," Geraldo answered,

"But coach," he stated, "I just want to remind you and the rest of America that 'Pacman' Jones has a definite history of getting himself into trouble, with a capital T. The man has been involved in 12 different incidents with the police and he has been arrested a total of six times." Phillips interrupted and asked, "Okay, thank you Mr. Rivera...I think you better leave, I heard that there's a hurricane forming off the coast of Uganda or Uruguay or some country that starts with a U,...okay so do any of you other fellas have any other questions...anybody got any new Jessica Simpson stories...and if you don't would you like to buy some?"

ABC News is reporting that 'Pacman' Jones has placed an ad in The Dallas Daily Recapitulator-Gazette seeking a professional bodyguard to guard him from his professional bodyguard.

In other news, Sen. John McCain's 54-year-old wife Cindy was making a speech in Tennessee in which she started ranting and raving that Barack Obama is conducting the dirtiest campaign in the history of American politics. Shortly afterwards, the 'Grandma Barbie Doll' was led away by a team of doctors and reports are that she is resting comfortably on the 8th floor of Our Lady of Perpetual Ranting and Raving Hospital in Chattanooga, Tennessee.

(Harmful if swallowed)

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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