Lausanne, Switzerland - A committee of officials have dramatically taken away all 100 medals awarded to Chinese athletes at the Beijing Olympics following drug retesting. Committee chairman, Stan Ozolol, defended the controversial decision at a recent press conference at his headquarters in a basement in Lausanne, Switzerland.
Gulping a carafe of triple espresso, a jittery Ozolol told reporters that he and the other members had just pulled an all-nighter in order to thrash out the details of their decision.
"It was tough going, but we felt under pressure from our sponsors and the public to perform. Thanks to our corporate sponsors Red Bull, Jolt, and Cocaine we were able to stay awake and achieve our goal."
"Everything worthwhile comes with personal sacrifice," proclaimed a red-faced and shaking Ozolol. "I would like to extend condolences to the widow of our Italian delegate who suffered a stroke last night during our discussions."
The Chairman was asked if all Chinese Olympic medal winners tested positive for CERA, the new generation endurance-enhancing hormone that boosts an athlete's performance by increasing the number of oxygen-rich blood cells.
"Of course not, did you see any red-faced Chinese at the Olympics? The problem wasn't the Chinese athletes, it was the Americans. Try to keep up with me on this, ok?" revved Ozolol, who now sounded like someone had hit his fast-forward button.
Downing a second Red Bull and Jolt chaser, Ozolol explained, "What we found was an epidemic of kidney stones in the American athletes. Sure, they were taking lots of steroids and CERA like the Russians and the Ukrainians, but that doesn't cause kidney stones."
Ozolol sprouted wings and added, "It all points in one direction, melamine. It's a no-brainer. You don't need Angela Lansbury to solve that one, do you?"
With his carotid artery beating like 4,000 Chinese drummers on his neck, Mr Ozolol defended the decision to punish the Chinese for allegedly doping the American athletes with melamine.
"It's all about zero tolerance. Performance enhancing drugs are one thing. At least they are in keeping with the Olympic spirit. But performance lowering drugs? Definitely not allowed in our club."
In Beijing the Chinese government condemned the ruling. Mr Doo Ping, Chinese Olympic Committee spokesperson, denied that the Chinese deliberately drugged the American athletes with melamine.
"How ridiculous!" exclaimed Mr Doo. "Everyone knows how the Americans eat and drink non-stop. They don't need to be force-fed by the Chinese. When they naturally consume vast amounts of everything in sight, of course trace elements of any chemical will start to show up and accumulate and do damage."
Doo Ping spoke forcefully. "We won't take this lying down and we've got evidence to back up our claims that whatever the Americans did to their kidneys, they did it on their own without any help from us."
"We've got CCTV footage of Michael Phelps stuffing his Speedos with White Rabbit candy before a race. And underwater cameras have caught him pulling out his White Rabbit and sucking on it during a turn. That's his own shame, not ours."
An affronted Doo Ping continued his defense. "Nastia Liukin, I know she's only 12 years old and all, but our gymnastic volunteers had to keep running around picking up Cadbury Crème Egg wrappers every time she did her routine. What did she think? That the Bird's Nest was one big Easter basket?"
At this point, Mr Doo displayed a poster of NBA basketball star and Olympic gold medalist Dwight Howard unveiling his new milk moustache ad.
"With no disrespect to Mr Howard, we have evidence that he drank 75 gallons of milk in 2 days of shooting that advertisement. He gulped so fast that there was no milk moustache and they had to do hundreds of takes to get it right."
Doo Ping then issued a personal challenge to Stan Ozolol and his committee "If you want our 100 medals back, then I suggest you come back to China and try to take them. 1.3 billion smiling faces will politely tell you that you are shameless and less than human."
Meanwhile, back at its headquarters in Lausanne, the Committee pulled another all-nighter to reconsider its options. Emerging from the meeting in the wee hours of the morning, a completely dilated Mr Ozolol triumphantly announced a compromise.
"I guess I picked the wrong day to give up amphetamines. Anyway, in the Olympic spirit of fair play, we have decided the Chinese can keep their medals."
"We also are going to award an additional 50 medals to the US team as compensation. The Chinese medal factory in Shanghai has graciously agreed to fashion the new medals exactly like the original ones. Except instead of jade inlay, they will collect and use the kidney stones from the US athletes."
Looking ahead to 2012, the London Olympic Committee has decided to avoid any hint of drugs marring their event. Chairman Lord Coecaine told reporters, "Basically we've decided, f***it. Anything goes. The Olympics is a show, and if taking drugs gives us a great performance, so be it. Our new slogan's going to be: Nobody's business is good for business."