Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Topics: Canada, NFL, Underwear

Thursday, 9 October 2008

image for The 2008 Canadian Lingerie Football League
The Yukon Blizzard Babes' Cheerleaders (Left to Right: Missy, Sissy, and Pissy)

World Wide Wonderfully Wondrous Sports Magazine recently sent one of its senior writers, Rhubarb 'Seventh-Inning Stretch' Stretchalini to Saskatoon, Saskatchewan to interview Pierre Thibodaux Lafayette, the commissioner of the brand new all-womens football league, The Canadian Lingerie Football League.

After a year of planning and negotiating it is now official that The Canadian Lingerie Football League will kick off it's premier season in December of this year.

Commissoner Lafayette stated that the CLFL will be an off-shoot of The Lingerie Football League (LFL) in the United States. The CLFL will be comprised of ten teams. He said that 80 percent of the players are from Canada and the other 20 percent come from places such as Uppsala, Sweden; Buxton, England; Zurich, Switzerland; Dundee, Scotland; and Tipperary, Ireland.

The girls are all between the ages of 18 and 28 and of the 250 players in the league, 91 have BA's, 42 have MFA's, and 9 have PhD's. Lafayette proudly said, "Stretch, we in the CLFL are extremely proud of our young women. Not only are these girls gorgeously beautiful and beautifully gorgeous with smooth firm thighs, long luscious legs, and nubile breasts, but just about all of them are up in the three-digit IQ range. Here in the CLFL we not only want to stress the concept of FAA, which is feminine athletic ability, we also want to focus and overly stress the fact that just because a female is sensuously attractive does not mean that she isn't intelligent."

Lafayette added, "It's a fact that sadly, all of us know one or two mature adult women who can't even spell, say for want of a better word...the simple word 'nipple.' But not our lovely CLFL girls...and Stretch, let me make you aware of a fact that we are tremendoulsy proud of; 27 of our players are actually GM's, 16 are CEO's, 9 are IUD's, and 4 are EECG's (extremely expensive call girls). So as you can imagine, we are astoundingly proud of each and every one of our CLFL players."

Lafayette pointed out that one of the girls, Misty de Cuisine, 21, is the Saskatoon quarterback as well as the 2008 reigning Miss Saskatchewan Snow Pounding Blizzard. Another girl, Sally Fifi Chillwack, who is a tight end with Winnipeg was voted 'The Female We Would Most Like To Be Snow Bound With For Three or Four Days or What The Hell Why Not Make It a Full Week' by The Upper Kodiak Lumberjacks Union Local #71429301.

Commissioner Lafayette stated that one of the major features of the CLFL is that the lingerie uniforms will be at least 72 percent skimpier than those worn by their United States counterparts. He added, "Our uniforms consist of a standard regulation female football helmet, a Fredericks of Hollywood Mini-Halter, a Victoria's Secret String Bikini Thong, and football shoes that are provided free of charge by the charitable, non-profit organization known as 'The Charitable Non-Profit Female Football Shoe Federation Organization,' a fabulous group that is based in Medicine Hat, Alberta."

"Another notable difference between the CLFL and the LFL," Lafayette remarked, "is that each of the 250 girls is at least a '9' on the 1 to 10 scale-of-looks. Lafayette continued saying, "an overwhelming number of companies and corporations eagerly jumped at the chance to get on the sponsors bandwagon. Some of the major sponsors include Toyota, Dairy Queen, Swanson Frozen Food Dinners, Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream, Bordens Milk, and Kotex." He proudly revealed that all of the commercial time for every single game has already been sold and that at least 97% of the commercials are spots for Kotex Lightdays Pantiliners, Playtex Wet Ones, and Tampax Pearl Plastic Super Plus.

Lafayette said that the first game will be played in Montreal on Sunday, December 7. And he added that in honor of the American holiday, every fan will receive a Made in America sugar-free, genetically correct chocolate candy mini bar replica of Misty de Cuisine which is of course suitable for eating.

Lafayette was asked about one of the stricter player requirements and he replied, "Yes, I'll agree that one of our strictest player requirements we have is that CLFL players cannot be married, engaged, or romantically involved." He went on to explain, "The reason for this seemingly strict rule is because we observed that in the LFL in the US, some of the player's boyfriends, fiances, and husbands would become extremely enraged with jealousy at the tons and tons of attention, adulation, and extreme lascivous leering that the male fans (and a few female ones as well) were pouring on the players."

Here is The List of The Ten Canadian Lingerie Football League Teams Showing The City, The Team Nickname, and The Lingerie Uniform Colors:

1. The Vancouver Ice Breakers - Shocking Pubic Pink and Thigh High White

2. The Yukon Blizzard Babes - Crotchless Lavender, Negligee Black, Brassiere Off-White White, and Long Gone Hymen Red

3. The Calgary Caribouettes - Low Cut Blouse Blue and Wiggle-What-Your-Mama-Gave-You White

4. The Ottawa Frigid Femmes - Deep Libido Purple and Baby Doll Pink

5. The Winnipeg Snow Witches - Cut-Off Jean Faded Blue and Maxi-Pad White

6. The Halifax Frozen Fannies - G-Spot Tan and Wonder Bra White

7. The Montreal Polar Bares - Raw Sienna, Raw Umber, and Raw Sex

8. The Saskatoon Sex Toys - Stiletto Heel Black and Mons Pubis Pink

9. The Edmonton Floozies - Wild Cherry Red and Ass Cheek Pink

10. The Quebec Iceberg Queens - Tampon Applicator Pink and Passion Crotch Beige

The CLFL season will open on December 7, 2008 and the game will be televised on ESPN-9 as well as on The Discovery Channel. The two teams that will be playing are The Calgary Caribouettes vs. The Montreal Polar Bares. Season tickets are now on sale and they can be purchased at any of the 700 Canadian Brrrrrr Gasoline Stations and at all Jacques-in-the-Box Restaurants.

An organization known as 'The Sons & Daughters of Canada Who On Occasion Do Come Back To Roost' is comprised of Canadian singers, actors, and other celebrities including, Pamela Anderson, Jim Carrey, Shania Twain, Martin Short, Celine Dion, and Neil Young. This very well-financed group owns the controlling interest in both the Quebec Iceberg Queens and the Winnipeg Snow Witches.

The CLFL will be selling a 2009 calendar, which can be purchased at any of the CLFL stadiums for a $89 donation. Or you can call Commissioner Lafayette on his cell phone at (123) 1-36-24-36 and personally request the calendar 'The 2009 Canadian Lingerie Football League Calendar of Lusciously Delicious Sexy Lady Footballers.'

(Any reproduction, retransmission or rebroadcast without the expressed, written consent of The Canadian Lingerie Football League is strictly prohibited).

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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