Canton,Ohio / Sports Illustrated - The NFL announced today it's All Prison Team after a nation wide poll of the nation's top law enforcement officers , prosecutors, and federal judges. There were few surprises.
At stake, residuals from a new video game pledged to supplement the former athletes meager prison salary, and to help pay their delinquent child support.
At the top of the list was recently convicted half-back O.J. Simpson, formerly of the Buffalo Bills, scheduled to serve at least 12 years on armed robbery charges resulting in a reverse sting involving memorabilia from the athlete's storied career.
Atlanta Falcons former Top Quarterback, Michael Vick, convicted of felony dog fighting and other charges , currently serving 23 months, will have plenty of receivers to choose from .
Main target of Vick's passes will be Carolina Panthers WR Ray Carrouth serving 24 years for the murder of his pregnant girlfriend.
Soon to be part of the OJ running tandem will be Travis Henry, recent rushing leader for the Denver Broncos who had signed a $22M contract before being released for repeated drug use. Henry is currently awaiting trial on drug trafficking charges and discussing child support for his 9 children with 9 different women.
Leading special teams, and the heart of goal line stands, will be Robert Rozier, formerly of the Arizona Cardinals , convicted of 4 murders, BEFORE going into Witness Protection, screwing up and being sentenced to 25 years.
Helping out on the line will be recently released Chicago Bears Tank Johnson, who did 4 months for parole violation involving gun possession.
Rounding out the team will be Cowboy's Nate Newton, 7 1/2 years on drug charges, Bam Morris, Kansas City Chiefs, 30 months for drugs, Great Defensive end Dexter Manley, Washington Redskins, did 4 years for drugs, Leonard Little, St. Louis Cardinals, DUI , Manslaughter, 3 months, Jamal Lewis, Baltimore Ravens, 4 months for drugs, and Cecil Collins, Miami Dolphins, 15 years on Burglary charges.
An MIT graduate student, Melvin Numbinsky, calculated the combined salary of all charged NFL athletes, including signing bonuses, added up to $750B dollars, enough to bail out the nation's economy if it had not all been wasted.
Salaries earned during college matriculation was not able to be determined since the athletes did not file tax returns during their educational years and college Athletic Directors said they routinely did not supply 1099's to their contract players.
House Ways and Mean Committee member, Rep. Charles Wrangle (sic), no stranger to tax problems himself, said the college income was probably "somewhat north of $125M...not including shoe endorsements and donated SUVs."
Deceased; Honorable Mention: UK Cricketeer Leslie Hylton. Hung for killing his wife after a particularly bad day.