Written by Monkey Woods
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Friday, 3 October 2008

image for Joe Kinnear Swears He Will Get Newcastle Out Of Trouble
Owen keeping his anger in check

Newcastle United caretaker manager Joe 'Kinnell has gone on record as saying he swears he will turn things around at St James' Park, and that he will lift the Magpies out of fucking trouble.

'Kinnell made the sworn statement during an interview with journalists yesterday, and swore 152 times in a frenzied two-minute spell. The listeners looked on in amazement as the torrent of filth poured forth from 'Kinnell's gob, to be captured by sneaky internet posters who have now plastered his words all over YouTube.

This came after he became the first person in history to 'properly swear' on the BBC's Football Focus programme last Saturday.

Mr 'Kinnell was recently taken on at Newcastle to see them over a transitional period, during which, a 'proper manager' will be appointed. He has come in for criticism over his sick record, his lack of decent credentials, and now, his inability to speak without 'turning the air blue'.

A full transcript of the conversation follows:

    JK: Who's Simon Bird?
    SB: That's me.
    JK: You're a cake!
    SB: Wot?
    JK: I said you're a flippin' cake!
    SB: Cake?
    JK: Yeah! A clot, a tit, a flippin' cad!
    SB: Why?
    JK: You've been bloomin' slatin' me in the Press.
    SB: Eh?
    JK: Who's Niall Hickman?
    NH: Er...that's me.
    JK: You're a twerp, son.
    NH: What have I done?
    JK: You're a complete twit!
    NH: I...
    JK: Don't bovver! You arse! Knob! Dick!
    NH: Er...
    JK: Twat.
    SB: You gave the team Monday off.
    JK: Tossers, wankers, bastards, toerags!
    NH: Mr 'Kinnell, I...
    JK: Shut up you fuc(CENSORED BY ADMINISTRATORS) I swear by Almighty fu*kin God, I'll pull this f*ckin club up by the *uckin boot strings, an' take 'em to the fucki* top again where they fuck*n belong, you fuckin fuckers! Twits the lot of ya!"


The manager's feisty response is sure to be a hit with the passionate Geordie fans, Mike Ashley, and potential new owners from Nigeria, South Africa or any other unlikely location not yet mentioned.

Newcastle go to Goodison Park on Sunday to face Everton, with 'Kinnell serving the final match of his touchline ban for swearing. The players have been undergoing intensive 'anger management' under Kinnear's tutelage, and captain Michael Owen told reporters:

"We're all angry about Joe's appointment, but with his training, we've managed to keep a lid on our collective loathing of him."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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