Written by Clifford Rutley
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Wednesday, 1 October 2008

image for Newcastle: 'Toon More Important Than Long Term Financial Depression.'
Joe Kinnear's Match Strategy Diagram.

To find out how the credit crunch and coming long term depression, which will consist of many of us living in cardboard boxes eating dead rats while we try to keep warm around empty oil drums filled with environmentally friendly news papers filled with news of bankruptcies, we asked some of the citizens of Newcastle Upon Tyne the following question:

'What is more important to you - the Toon Army (Newcastle United Football Club) or the coming long term depression?'

Our first enthusiastic toon supporter, Andy Smith, eagerly replied with, 'Wey the toon of course, what sort of stupid sort of question is that like?'

'Mike Ashley should sell the toon today for a massive loss and eat raw tatties for the rest of his life,' Jimmy from North Sheilds said.

'But what about you loosing your lively hood and dieing of starvation?' we asked.

'Wey howaay man!' Jimmy replied with an expression of pure shock on his face. 'There's summit wrong with yee like, yee need to get a life and sort ya priorities oot yee de!'

The realisation of how much we are all brainwashed and dumbed down finally became evident to us when we asked Terry Anders from Wallsend the same question as the others. 'Ye knaa summit,' he said looking all wound up all of a sudden. 'I wouldn't mind living in a cardboard box and eating dead rotting rats - it would be a small price to pay for the toon lifting the Premiership trophy. So yeah, bring it on, bring it AAALL on - long term deep depression or not - us Geordies can handle it for the toon!'

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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