Americans today invented a new gymnastic sport for the 2012 Olympics, and called it Defining Americans On Parallel Bars.
Speaking from Illinois, Senator Token O'Babblama said: 'Yes, for too long Americans have just called themselves Americans, but now, thanks to people like me and Teddy Kennedy, and Jesse 'I Don't Have A Dream' Jackson, the new event will take off.
'Here's how it works: First, you start off as American, or in my case Hawaiian, and then you look around for any ancestors you may have had, such as Irish ones, Polish ones, even Leeward Islands ones. Then you make up terms for these Americans, such as Irish-American, Polish-American, Afro-Caribbeanic-Slavian-American, and the medals go to the longest and most ridiculous ones contestants can think up - BUT the public and media have to start using them, if people just keep calling Americans Americans there are no points to be gained'.'
And Senator Kennedy said: 'For once I agree with Senator O'Babbler about the issue of Irish-Croatio-Venezuelan-Icelandic-Tribalamazonian Americans, they are entitled to equality with all other Americans, and if they drink a pint of Guiness then they're as Irish as I am.' But President George 'Heck' Bush added: 'Heck, I'll win this, no problem! Ah's an Australio - Austrianical - African - Argentinianian - Agriculturaliamist - Anglo Armenian, let's see Senator Omaha top that!'
The new event should be a foregone conclusion for the USA, as few other countries look backwards this way and most look forwards - all Australians, for instance, are Australians, so they may find it difficult to compete at this event. But Britain and Ireland should be able to pick up a few medals in the wake of American successes, as the British are split into Highland Scots, Lowland Scots, English, Cornish, Welsh, Northern Irish, Channel Islanders and Manxmen. And the Irish are Irish, Irish Protestant, Northern Irish, Northern Irish Catholic, Northern Irish Protestant, British, dual British and Irish, and Edward Kennedy.
Arthur Guiness was unavailable for comment, as he was too busy renaming his beer 'Irish Stout With A British Influence Unless Your Name Is Kennedy', but Senator O'Babbler is due to drink a pint of the new drink in Dublin, as soon as he completes the triple bar White - Black - African - Hawaiian - Anythingforavote back jump over 3 hurdles and a passing Mark Twain.