Written by Monkey Woods
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Thursday, 25 September 2008

image for Newcastle United To Hire Another 'Cockney Wanker'
Venables with Bill Clinton

Newcastle United football club have this morning released a statement saying that ex-England manager Terry Venables will hold talks with owner Mike Ashley with a view to becoming the next Cockney Wanker to take charge at St James' Park.

The Tyneside club are currently managerless after ex-Messiah Kevin Keegan resigned two weeks ago, and coach Chris Hughton has been overseeing the disastrous events since then. Now though, the club are desperate to appoint a successful coach to put things right.

Venables has been out of work since he was sacked as Steve McClaren's assistant in November 2007.

In a long and distinguished managerial career, El Tel, as he has become known, has been in control at Crystal Palace (twice), QPR, Barcelona, Tottenham, England, Australia, Middlesbrough and Leeds. Indeed, back in 2005, the chirpy cockney so nearly became manager at Newcastle United - Newcastle United Jets, that is, in Australia.

In recent years he has courted much controversy over a number of suspicious financial deals.*

In recent years he has courted much controversy over a number of suspicious financial deals.*

In recent years he has courted much controversy over a number of suspicious financial deals.*

Newcastle fans were undecided about the news this morning.

Jim Swagger, a Geordie fan for more than 200 years, said:

"Why aye! El Tel'll do a grayte job f'russ!"

One supporter who thought otherwise though, was Norris Upshite, 73, who said:

"Aww, cum on, man! He's just anudder bluddy Cockney Wanker like that Dennus Wise!"

In recent years he has courted much controversy over a number of suspicious financial deals.*

In recent years he has courted much controversy over a number of suspicious financial deals.*

In recent years he has courted much controversy over a number of suspicious financial deals.*

* None of which were proven.

Yet.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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