Written by David David
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Sunday, 21 September 2008

image for London 2012 Olympic and Paralympic Committees Announce Torch Lighting Plans
burning bendy bus

In a daring move bound to spark criticism, the London Olympic Committee today announced its plans for the 2012 torch lighting ceremony. Building upon the explosive success and critical acclaim of the London 8 minute segment at the Beijing closing ceremony, it will again feature an iconic London bus.

This time around, however, a bendy-bus will take centre stage. To keep things fresh and contemporary, pop artist Will Young will perform his 2002 cover version of Jim Morrison's incendiary hit, Light My Fire (27 used & new from £0.01 at Amazon).

Then, astonishingly, on Will's last refrain of 'Come on baby, light my fire, try to set the night on fire', the bendy bus will burst into flames. As if by magic, Will will be joined on the top of the bus by surprise guest, football star, and brief legend, David (Goodness, gracious, great balls of fire) Beckham. Becks will then kick a flaming football into the cone of the torch, igniting it as only Bendy Like Beckham could do.

London Olympic Deputy Director Lord Co-Coe gushed to the reporter covering this bold announcement at the widely publicised press conference, "We wanted to show the world just how highly combustible London really is. The Chinese can do great things with their fireworks, but here in London you get the Real Deal." Co-Coe went on to say, "There have been many inflammatory remarks made about the London 2012 preparations, and I hope this announcement douses those embers once and for all."

In a rare show of solidarity at the joint press conference, the London Paralympic Committee also announced their 2012 torch lighting plans torch lighting plans. Following on the Olympic theme, but adding their own twist, the Paralympics will feature another London icon, the Black Taxi. Puerto Rican blind singer and guitarist, José Feliciano, will arrive into the stadium in a Black Taxi and ignite the crowd with his classic 1968 version of Light My Fire (27 used & new from £1.32 at Amazon).

On the last strum of his guitar, the Black Taxi will burst into a fire ball. As blind José is led away to safety by his assistant, the taxi doors will be blown open, and British television presenter and wheelchair basketball player Ade (Hell-fire on wheels) Adepitan, MBE will emerge. After performing some of his red-hot cool moves, Ade will throw the flaming basketball into the cone of the torch, and assuming a contract with some other provider than British Gas, the torch will burst into flame.

Lord Co-Coe, deputy chief organiser, reiterated Lord Coe's statement that London would not be 'cowed' by the triumphs of the Chinese in Beijing. "Cowed? I should say not!" exclaimed Co-Coe. "Show me a cow and I'll show you a flame broiled burger!" Noting sagging underwear sales, Victoria Beckham squinted at her husband and had her assistant make a mental note to contact Burger King immediately.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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