Written by Monkey Woods
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Sunday, 14 September 2008

image for Mike Ashley To Sell Newcastle United To Sir King Kevin Keegan
A broken man: Ashley leaves St James' Park with his cash

Under-fire Newcastle United owner Mike Ashley has announced in a statement today that, in the face of all the criticism and bad feeling from fans, he has sell the club at the earliest opportunity, to his former employee, Sir King Kevin Keegan.

The 1644-word statement, an impassioned plea to Geordie fans to forgive his Crimes Against the Toon, speaks of his love of Newcastle, and of his desire for the team to be successful, but also of his hatred of Geordies in general, calling them "backward".

Ashley says he had £250million invested in the Magpies, but was so eager to offload the club, that he was prepared to accept a knockdown price, which may have been as low as £3million. The billionaire is likely to 'throw in' Dennis Wise as well.

Keegan had the cash laying about, and decided to buy the club he loves so much, and leaves so much.

Fans were ecstatic after hearing the news. Some rushed out to buy coal, whilst others held a candlelit vigil on the Tyne bridge.

One lifelong supporter, Elsie Mucky, 114, said:

"Wor Kevun's back. I was just cummen' up to the coalface when I heard the news!"

Another, James Troof, commented:

"Aye man, that's brilliant news, but the only thing is, now we haven't got some big, fat Southern bloke to blame for our perennial failures."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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