Written by Larry Geez
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Friday, 12 September 2008

In a startling turn of events, 7-time Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong has not only come out of retirement but has been signed by the New England Patriots to play quarterback in place of the injured Tom Brady.

"I was watching the game at home when I saw Brady go down, and I thought, 'I can do that!' So I called Coach Belechek and he thought it was a good idea. I told him that when I was growing up in Plano, Texas I once threw a touchdown in 9th grade to my friend Joey Smelner." Armstrong stated.

"I'm glad he's familiar with the game and has thrown almost as many passes as Cassell's. He's a winner and we need a winner. He had me Fedex him the playbook and said he would study it on his bike while he trains for the Tour de France. I think he'll fit in well here. Besides I like bikes." Belechek said.

"I always try and raise the bar. Seven Tours, winning over cancer, and now a chance to win a Super Bowl ring. I'm hoping to win my eighth Tour de France and lead the Patriots to another championship!" Armstrong declared.

Armstrong has purchased a home on Cape Cod and plans to ride his bike the 50 miles to Gillette Stadium everyday to and from practice. When Coach Belechek was asked if he thought Armstrong might be exhausted by game time on the weekend he replied, "Brady dances, Lance rides bikes. I don't see it as a problem."

When Cassell's was asked how he felt about being on the bench again he replied, "Some of us are born to pick splinters out of our ass."

Tom Brady had no comment.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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