Written by Monkey Woods
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Saturday, 6 September 2008

There was joy in the England football camp tonight, as two goals from Chelsea midfielder Joe Cole underlined a comprehensive victory in their World Cup Group 6 qualifying match against Andorra in Barcelona.

Andorra, which in Spanish means '11 Dustbins', never even had a shot on goal, such was England's superiority. Indeed, England goalkeeper David James stood with fans on the terraces after halftime.

Andorra is a tiny place with only 71,000 inhabitants, making it the same size as Burnley in Lancashire. Of these, only 17,000 people are between the ages of 18 and 34, the optimum age for international footballers; half of those are women, leaving around 8,500 Andorrans of the right age and sex to select from.
Then, footballing ability comes into play.

Quite why England didn't win by twenty or more goals isn't clear, and to reflect this, manager Fabio Capello invented some new words to express his displeasure.

BBC Radio 5 Live commentator Alan Green described the Andorrans as:

"Not very good" and "a pub team". The opinionated twonk.

Final score in Barcelona:

11 Dustbins ... 0 England ... 2

Group 6 standings

Teams....................P W D L F A Pts
Croatia...................1 1 0 0 3 0 3
England.................1 1 0 0 2 0 3
Ukraine..................1 1 0 0 1 0 3
Kazakhstan............2 1 0 1 3 3 3
Belarus...................1 0 0 1 0 1 0
11 Dustbins...........2 0 0 2 0 5 0

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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