Written by Monkey Woods

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Thursday, 4 September 2008

image for Kevin Keegan Forced Out Of Newcastle
Mike Ashley: ready to explode

Kevin Keegan, the former Newcastle United manager, has spoken for the first time about the circumstances which resulted in him being unceremoniously booted-out of St James' Park.

Keegan, 57, contacted Radio 5 Live with a statement saying that he had hoped he would be able to make decisions on 'who the club bought and sold', and forward policy decisions directly affecting the playing staff, but that these responsibilities were taken away from him.

In view of this, he said, he felt his position was not as a manager, but as a figurehead, or mascot for the team, and he had to go. He has now resigned.

Mr Keegan said he feels terribly sorry for the fans, the players, and indeed, Mike Ashley who, he says, despite mammoth attempts, just cannot lose weight, the fat bastard.

The ex-England hero also said that Ashley is intending to get rid of Joey Barton, and has even put Michael Owen in the shop window!

Keegan said:

"That Ashley! I'd really love it if he exploded. I'd love it!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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