Written by Monkey Woods
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Wednesday, 3 September 2008

image for Newcastle United Fans Declare War On Mike Ashley
The threat is thought to be real

Newcastle United fans, angry at the decision to upset manager Kevin Keegan, have held an emergency meeting of the Toon Army, and have declared war on club owner Mike Ashley.

The Army, which is 400,000 strong, has been mobilised, and, as its initial 'shot across the bows', has decided to boycott the Magpies' next home game against Hull City on September 13th.

Should that fail to oust the fat owner, it's been proposed that the entire Toon army will wear normal everyday clothes rather than the United team shirts with which they usually adorn themselves like Christmas Trees. Regular bare-chesters have vowed to cease the ancient practice.

Newcastle fans are amongst the most loyal, fervent and passionate fans in the whole of the footballing world, and certainly the drunkest, and Ashley would be wise to listen to their views if he wishes to be allowed to continue to own the club.

'Biffa' Milburn, great-great-grandson of Newcastle legend Jackie Milburn, said:

"Why, ahl ev'n givupme beer, man, a'zlong as that fat bastard buggers off!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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