Written by Ivor Seabass
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Tuesday, 2 September 2008

image for Faldo: Non-English Ryder-cup players to pledge allegiance to the Queen

Following the unsurprising omission of inform players in favour of the more flamboyant and typically more English players like Ian Poulter, Dr Bore (Nick Faldo) has announced the rest of his players must follow his strict rules and change over their nationality to English.

In an interview with the spoof Slick Nick said:

"I've never thought the Ryder Cup as Europe verses America, more Me versus the world, so under my captaincy the rest of the players must change their nationality. It's unfortunate that some of the players were not born in England, but really it's just something they will have to either deal with or get out of my team".

"Maybe it won't be so bad for the Swedes or the Spanish players (Faldo said) as they have some dealings with an inferior type of Monarch but the Irish and Germans will just have to bite their lip and change over".

On his reluctance to pick Monty and Clarke, Dr Nick responded by saying "Monty and Darren came close by being part of the United Kingdom however they just weren't "English" enough for my liking, Monty's almost English accent was almost in but Darren with that funny tone was way off the mark". Besides I told Ian(Poulter) ages ago he was a shoe in so it would have been really unfair on him."

When pressed on what more Clarke could have done to get in to the team Faldo sneered and mumbled "well put on a cockney accent and wear some Union Jack trousers for a start".

Finally, asked on why he had repeatedly said he would be picking his team on form over favour and now gone back on this, Falso replied "people say all sorts of crazy Sh*t on TV"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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