Written by Matt Bregazzi
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Friday, 29 August 2008

image for Sheffield United Forced To Make Nickname Change, So Angry About It They Could "Stab People"

Kevin McCabe, Chairman of Sheffield United Football Club, publicly stated his "disgust" today upon being informed that the government has demanded the club change its nickname. A spokesman for Jacqui Smith, the Home Secretary, said this evening that Sheffield United FC must drop the nickname 'the Blades' to avoid upsetting victims of the current surge in knife related crime, and their families:

"Football, as is so often the case, is largely to blame for the recent increase in violent crime, and it is the view of the Home Office that the nickname of Sheffield United Football Club - the Blades - is wholey inappropriate given the cirmcumstances"

McCabe, however, responded with predictable incredulity at the news, saying he'd like to "cut Jacqui Smith's face off", although presumably not with the intention of swapping it with his own, in a parallel with the John Travolta-Nicholas Cage film Face Off. McCabe issued a statement in response to the news:

"Our nickname has nothing to do with knife crime, and is soley a traditional reference to Sheffield's proud tradition of being Britain's centre for excellence in steel making. The fact that our fans are incredibly violent is merely an odd coincidence, and I'm sure they'll be drafting threatening letters to the Home Secretary as I speak. With my fullest blessings"

It remains to be seen if the government will back down over the controversial measure and risk compromising their apparent tough stance on knife related crime, although they probably need the votes in Sheffield anyway, so this reporter would be far from surprised.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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