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Sunday, 24 August 2008

image for Agger's Blue Blue Tattoo
"Can you tell what it is yet?"

Following Daniel Agger's failure to feature for Liverpool thus far in their Premier league campaign, the club's official spokesman Ben Dodd has issued a statement amid claims the danish defender was photographed playing frisbee on Fistral beach during the week.

"Although we had hoped to keep the matter in-house, Liverpool FC are obliged to reveal the truth on Daniel's current status following recent allegations," Dodd divulged.

"On a positive note, the broken bone in his foot has now fully healed. However, Daniel's rehabilitation has suffered a setback. He has struggled to cope with the pace of life in the leafy, suburban village of Alderley Edge and this discontent has unfortunately manifested itself in the condition of agoraphobia."

It is believed that over the pre-season period Agger, 23, only managed to pluck up the courage to communicate via coded messages on facebook. For the last few months he is thought to have been mostly confined to his 8-bedroomed mansion where he lives with his playmate partner, Daniella Marella, and her twin sister.

"Daniel has the full support of the club and his family has appealed for patience, understanding and privacy during this difficult time," pleaded the press officer.

Rumours circulating as to the reasons for Agger's crippling confidence suggest that his decadent youth of debauchery in Copenhagen may finally be catching up with him. His father, Mick Agger, fronted danish death metal band Dirty Denmark who enjoyed relative success in the eighties. During this time his young son would be regularly exposed to the dangerous temptations of the hedonistic lifestyle surrounding him.

However, the gossip gathering gravitas on the streets of Liverpool points towards a more recent incident that may have directly inflicted a sudden trauma.

Plumber, Krzysztof Korpalski, 47, from Bootle claims to have spotted the left-footed leopard enquiring about the price of a tattoo in the "Tattooth Paste" parlour close to Stanley Park shortly before his disappearance from the public spotlight.

"He appeared to be disatisfied with the offer, basically. And then, basically, he just left"

Meanwhile, on the same day, he was also seen entering the building formerly home to Ten Buck Tattoo, owned by the shamed charlatan Dolph Harris, prior to its recent closure. The cowboy tattoo artist, who failed to achieve a pass on the intermediate paper of his art GCSE, fled to his native Austria before his scheduled court appearance where he was to face charges of deceit, operating without an official license and, in a separate incident, the theft of a pillow from BHS.

It appears Agger received a tip off about the cheap deals on offer as Ten Buck Tattoo after seeking advice from a group of youths loitering outside Damage Your Liver-pool off license.

Unemployed Ryan O'Brien, 18, revealed he was more than happy to direct the Liverpool player to the parlour notorious for its shady methods and limited artistic credentials of the staff.

"Us scousers are famous for the crack. We've clocked who he is straight off, like, and sent him to Ten Buck who are all mad Evertonians. He wanted a tatty on his belly, la. The fellas in the gaff can only draw David Moyes' bonce cos of all the wobbly lines on his fod. He should have seen it coming, the divvy. If Martin Skrtel needs any advice my number is...." uttered the imbecilic urchin prior to scarpering on an under-sized bicycle.

It is understood that Rafael Benitez is prepared to adopt a 'softly softly' approach with Agger, previously demonstrated when he lightly caressed Javier Mascherano cheek following his dismissal at Old Trafford last season.

Former javelin thrower Fatima Whitbread revealed that he has been baking his speciality, Rafa Cakes, and delivering them to Daniel's doorstep in an attempt to nurse him back to health.

"Nobody can fathom the cause of his problems," she wrote in her Sunday gossip column, "Maybe the case should be raf-ered to Agger-tha Christie!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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