Written by Oscar Digital
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Sunday, 24 August 2008

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"Rabbit food": surplus to requiremnets

A welcome added bonus to the weekly wage. A relaxing break in the Bahamas. A fun day out at Laser Quest. Add to these traditional bonding and morale initiatives Steve Bruce's latest reward scheme of offering outstanding performers free and unlimited access to his brother's tuck shop.

Bruce, whose tenure at Wigan has resulted in a marked improvement in individual performances, hailed this novel method of maintaining what he dubbed an "unhealthy" competition for places.

"It's given us all a boost!", remarked the merry manager. "With the influx of foreign players altering our approach to nutrition, we've seen a big change in the dietary habits of professional athletes over the last decade. But to be fair, our most influential player in my time at Birmingham was Christophe Dugarry and he would eat a dozen croissants and a coupla' bowls of Nutella before training."

"I've looked at what I'm working with. What I've got is an honest group of lads. We'd be kidding were selves to think that working on fitness drills and feeding the players rabbit food, if you like, is gonna give us an edge"

Bruce, who has come under criticism from Ron Atkinson, one-time star of the celebrity show Excuse My French, for his unconventional incentives, is convinced that if at least chocs don't win prizes, they do help avoid relegation.

"You see some players turning up early doors on a Monday and to be brutally honest about it, they've let themselves go. But if there's a smile hidden somewhere in between those chubby cheeks it gives everyone that little push to work that bid harder"

The latest beneficiary to gain free reign of Tuck For Luck, the kiosk run by Lee Bruce at lunch times in the common room of South Trafford College, was first choice custodian Chris Kirkland.

"I was like a kid in a sweet shop", beamed the bonbon boy. "Obviously I boycotted the nestle products for ethical reasons, but by the end of the day I was up to my guts in nuts."

When asked mischievously if he would be auditioning for the role of Willy Wonker in the stage production of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Bruce made time to finish his iced bun to respond in good humour.

"There's more chance of me presenting Celebrity Come Dancing- Nice to see you, to see you Nice biscuits!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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