Written by Warren Redlich
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Sunday, 24 August 2008

image for Jamaican Runners Caught Doping with Dope
No coke up Usain Bolt's nose, but maybe there's some ganja in there?

In a sad day for Jamaica, the country's entire Olympic track team was disqualified and stripped of their medals. Several runners tested positive for a banned substance - ganja.

So far no one has disclosed which athletes tested positive. Usain Bolt was widely suspected of being on something, due both to his inhuman performance and to his boorish behavior. But ganja was not what experts expected.

"I figured it was amphetamines or steroids," said former baseball star Jose Canseco. President George W. Bush reportedly told friends that "Bolt looks like he's coking up, and I should know. Heh Heh Heh."

The Jamaican government filed a protest today with the IOC. Prime Minister Rob "Grassman" Marley complained publicly that "it's not right man! Ganja is not a performance enhancing substance. It just makes you feel good man. They need to relax and enjoy life a little more you know."

Usain Bolt had no comment.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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