Written by Tess Tickles
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Thursday, 21 August 2008

Beano speedster Billy Whizz has laid down the gauntlet to Jamaican star Usain Bolt, challenging him to a race 'anytime, anywhere'. Whizz, who despite being around since 1964, still looks about 12, has branded Bolt 'overrated and old news'.

"100 metres in 9.69? Billy Whizz was doing that in 1972. Sorry Usain, you ain't got nothing on me. Nothing."

Whizz, who trains in Beanoland, admits feeling resentful and angry of Bolt's official status as fastest man of all-time.

"I know I'm better than this guy. Billy Whizz has travelled all over the world in record time, and my achievements have been well documented in the Beano. I've got the comics to prove it. Why haven't I being given the recognition I deserve? Probably because the Olympic committee have prevented me from competing in the games for years now. Apparently,since I'm only a fictional comic book character and made of ink, I am ineligible to race with actual human beings who exist. It's blatant discrimination of the highest order. These 'head honchos' are disgraceful anti-inkers."

But the Beano star hopes that Bolt will not shirk the challenge, although he suspects the Jamaican will be 'running scared'.

"He ain't got the balls to race Billy Whizz. I've beaten everyone. Sonic The Hedgehog, Tails, Roadrunner, Speedy Gonzales. Bolt is small time. He knows he can't beat Billy Whizz."

Bolt has repeatedly refused to acknowledge Whizz, insisting that his main rivals are Asafa Powell and Tyson Gay and stating on more than on occasion that he 'prefers the Dandy because Dennis The Menace pisses me off'.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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