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Tuesday, 19 August 2008

image for Chinese Olympic Committee Replaces Skilled Gymnasts With Slightly Less Skilled But Cuter Gymnasts
The IOC has approved this modified vault horse for younger Chinese gymnasts.

In keeping with its stern policy of making the best possible visual impression during the 2008 Olympic Games in Beijing, ranking members of the Chinese Politboro have ordered their national Olympic committee to replace three of their seasoned and well-conditioned gymnasts with marginally less talented but marginally cuter gymnasts.

Chen Qigang, music desginer of the opening ceremonies, was chosen by the government to oversee the switch, due to his recent demonstration of expertise in child-humiliation. Chen, under pressure from the highest of levels of the ruling Communist Party, whose officials have apparently chosen to take a break from centrally controlling an economy and arresting people for expressing their opinions in order to micromanage sporting events, explained that displaying the most distinct cheekbones and perfect front teeth possible is "for the nation interest." He further laid out other new criteria for gymnasts, saying that they should be "flawless in image, internal feeling, expression, memorization of several dozen patriotic songs, unwavering allegiance to portraits of failed power-mad demagogue revolutionaries, and symmetry of bruises."

Under threat of relocation to Tibet, Chinese gymnastics officials, with the assistance of opening-ceremonies director and censor-enabler Zhang Yimou, scrambled to find three new "women" who were more visually appealing yet still able to pass as Olympic-level gymnasts, regardless of the internationally-accepted age floor of 16. He Kexin, Jiang Yuyuan and Yang Yilin, who are all 14 according to documents freely available on the Internet, were quickly plucked from their lessons on how to calculate the perimeters of two-dimensional shapes, in order to be fitted for gymnastics uniforms in the petites department of Workers' Indoor Sports.

(As a reward for their willingness to force their seamstresses to work 14 hour days with occasional breaks for food consumption and baby delivery, the Workers' Indoor Sports chain had been previously awarded the contract for the Chinese teams uniforms, in addition to the honor of naming the boxing venue the Workers' Indoor Arena, an unusual expression of pride in a nation where the government rarely allows citizens to claim ownership of physical objects.)

He, Jiang and Yang have been sheltered from the media and were not available for comment after the all-around event, claiming that they were running late for their confirmation rehearsal.

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