Written by Monkey Woods

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Tuesday, 19 August 2008

image for New Olympic Scandal As Usain Bolt Discovered To Be A Cyberdyne Systems Model 101
Give me your clothes!

Usain Bolt, the Olympic 100m champion, is at the centre of a new row today, after it was revealed by members of Beijing's official doping team, that the Jamaican is actually a cyborg.

According to the dopists, Bolt, who, on Saturday, broke the World Record by an 'inhuman amount', is "a cybernetic organism, living tissue over a metal endoskeleton.

"The 600 series were easy to spot, with their rubber skin, but these are different.

"He feels no pain, has no emotions and will stop at nothing to achieve his mission.

"He's out there. He can't be bargained with. He can't be reasoned with. He doesn't feel pity or remorse or fear. And he absolutely will not stop, EVER, until he has the gold medal!"

The news comes as a hammer blow to the other runners in today's 200m final, who will find Bolt difficult to kill.

BBC commentator and former runner himself, Brendan Foster, reacted to the Chinese findings by saying:

"Hasta la vista, baby!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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