Written by Monkey Woods
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Sunday, 17 August 2008

image for Paula Radcliffe Excuses As They Happened
Paula Radcliffe aged 9 months

Paula Radcliffe, the GB team marathon runner who, on Sunday morning, once again failed to live up to the expectations of the long-suffering British public, has revealed the 'reasons' why she finished so far behind the leading athletes.

First of all, said Paula, she got injured before the Olympics, and had only weeks to recover, but once she had finally decided she was fit, other excuses came into play.

At 20km of Sunday's race, Paula trod on a pebble the size of a pea, and, although she wasn't hurt, the impact on her race plan was devastating.

"I lost my rhythm completely", she said.

"At 23km, a breeze knocked me totally out of my stride. And at 28km, the smog, heat and lots of Chinese people jibber-jabbering away in some foreign lingo wrecked my concentration. How on Earth are we expected to run an Olympic marathon in these conditions?"

Paula stopped at 32km and then again at 35km to stretch her legs, and then fell over at 38km when she realised that a camera was filming her.

"You can never waste an opportunity for public sympathy", she said.

The Monaco-based tax exile eventually finished in 23rd position, but not before she'd taken the sympathetic applause of the 91,000 crowd inside the Bird's Nest. She saved her best for last, as she stumbled over the line in her traditional 'flood of tears', guaranteeing her a place in the hearts of spectators all around the world.

Paula said after the race, that she doesn't know whether or not she will be around for the London 2012 marathon, but told members of the media:

"You can be sure of one thing though: it'll all end in tears!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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