Rush Limbaugh, political bloviator and William F. Buckley "wanna-be," has decided to shift gears from "Operation Chaos" and aim his bombastic AK-47 at The National Pastime. Yesterday, at his 200-room mansion-cum-humidor in Palm Beach, FL, El Rush-Bo announced that baseball discriminates against right-handed batters and it must be resolved.
Limbaugh began his polemic by announcing that, in America, 90% of her population is right-handed. "Nevertheless," he pontificated, "In the Baseball Hall of Fame, a mere 71 batters are right-handed while a whopping 59 Hall-Of-Famers are lefthanded. That is disproportionate and it is blatant discrimination against the right-handed majority of this great Nation. Why did this happen? I'll tell you why. Abner Doubleday was a closet left-hander, that's why! He made it so that batters had to circle the bases counter-clockwise. This gives the advantage to the left-handed batter. He is five inches closer to first base and his swing propels him to the bag while the right-hander's inertia leans towards third. This arbitrary design aids the minority at the expense of the majority and I, your Gift from God, intend to rectify the situation."
When asked how he intends to alter tradition, Limbaugh acknowledged that organized baseball will never have its runners circle the infield in a clockwise fashion. Then he produced an infield diagram and described his compromise solution. "Second base will be the new first base," he explained. "The batter hits the ball and he runs over the pitcher's mound to the new first base. Then he can opt to go to either the old first or third base, that is, the new second base and then head for home. Home plate remains home plate. By this reconfiguration, neither the right-handed batter nor the left-handed batter will have an advantage. Even Steven. It'll be more exciting, as well as fairer. Of course, a few pitchers stand the chance of getting run over, but collisions are popular in every sport."
It was at that point that a tsunami suddenly swept into the mansion and swept out Mr. Limbaugh. National Oceanic & Atmospheric Association experts speculate that the cause of the tsunami was all the past baseball players since 1845 rolling in their graves.