Written by Jalapenoman
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Thursday, 10 July 2008

image for 41 Year Old Woman Qualifies For Olympics
Dara feels that her new racing suit will be a hit with fans.

41 year old swimmer Dara Torres has been to every Olympics but 2004 since 1984. She just qualified again for the 2008 games in China and will probably swim in three different events (and should medal in at least two of them).

Torres qualified for her first Olymics in Los Angeles at the age of 17. She has unretired from the sport twice, most recently as a way to get back into shape after having a baby.

When asked the secret of her success and physical abilities at such an advanced age, Torres revealed several strategies:

  • I never look at a picture of myself. It worked for Dorian Gray and it works for me.
  • I don't do any kind of drugs, but make sure that I load up on preservatives. I proudly eat MSG by the cupful each day.
  • Nothing keeps you feeling young like sex with younger men. I like to hang out at the Frat houses at UCLA; it makes the boys happy.
  • I make sure to catch Saturday morning cartoons and all of the kid's shows on PBS and cartoon network. If you feel young, you are young.
  • I rub Ben-Gay into the crotch of all my opponent's swimsuits. A burning crotch tends to take your mind off of everything but your breast stroke, if you know what I mean.

When asked which of these points gave her the most help, she felt "It's the sex. Laps are not only for the pool; thelap dances with the Omega Omega boys are really fun too!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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