Written by Spunk Macnamara
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Wednesday, 9 July 2008

After it was reported that Brett Favre sent a text message to Green Bay Packers GM Ted Thompson saying he wanted to come out of retirement, this reporter has learned that it was all a ploy to get a suicidal John Madden down from a 45th story window ledge in downtown Chicago.

"John has been distraught and despondent ever since Brett announced his retirement. He stopped drinking and he stopped eating... well, he stopped drinking," said a source close to the legendary coach and NFL analyst. "When it because clear to him that his muse and inspiration may not ever play again, he decided to end it all."

After Madden -- who was in Chicago as the keynote speaker at the Brotherhood of the International Buffalo Wings Lovers convention -- decided to end it all, police called Favre.

"Brett was great," according to Stan Nuncrop, spokesman for the Chicago P.D. "We gave Mr. Madden the phone while he was on the ledge and the two talked for some time. I heard Favre tell John that he'd just text messaged the Packers GM and said he planned to come out of retirement. Madden came in immediately."

Afterward, Madden looked down at the street below and told officers that he was glad he didn't jump, and used a telestrator to show the police how he would have gone "Boom! Thwap!" on the pavement.

Mental health workers who are monitoring Madden have yet to tell the football legend that it was all a ruse to coax him off the ledge and that Favre isn't coming out of retirement.

"When he's told, it'll be on the ground floor, and we'll also make sure all cutlery is removed from the Madden Cruiser" according to a source close to the family.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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