Written by Igor Biscanator
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Thursday, 10 July 2008

image for Big Phil Says "Change Is Good!"
Terry may ask for another £100,000 per week as compensation for not being able to have a good cry after losing vital games

Big Phil has told his new Chelsea squad that change will be the order of the day as he looks to improve both results and the style of football at The Bridge. This, unfortunately, has ruffled a lot of feathers amongst the more established members of the current squad.

Canteen!

The most well documented of the fallings out is between Big Phil and Lampard. Publicly both are stating contract issues as the reason for the rift I can reveal that sources close to Frank claim he is furious with the new rules in the canteen.

The "All You Can Eat" policy has been scrapped and the pie menu has been significantly reduced, plate sizes are also rumoured to have been decreased and only one dollop of ice cream is now allowed with his apple pie.

Frank is livid at these new rules and is uncertain as to whether he can adjust. Terry is also alleged to be upset with the reduction in cleanex orders pre and post big games, and views the proposed construction of an ice rink as a personal insult.

Big Phil claims it will improve players balance and composure.

Others rumoured to be worried about their futures are Petr Cech who was told in no uncertain terms his new goalkeeping kit would be no higher than 8 tog, 2 less than the 10 tog he was promised under Grant. Drogba also claimed that his game would be "hugely affected" if the new training regime was implimented and diving was only included twice a week, as opposed to the daily regime implimented under Mourinho.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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