''Big Phil'' Scolari has revealed a desperate plea to bring attractive football to Stamford Bridge from Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich, reports respected German daily Newspaper Wunter Under Meijer.
Despite an illustrious history which includes a staggering 3 league titles, 4 FA cups, 4 league cups, numerous friendly victories and a win on a bingo scratchcard, Chelsea's style of play has left some of the fans - not to mention the owner - disillusioned.
In fact, in a recent poll conducted by Wunter Under Meijer, a worrying 73% of Chelsea fans said that they would seriously consider going back to supporting Manchester United if both results and style of play didn't improve.
Chelsea have recently taken to the tactic of having Frank Lampard belt the ball as hard as he can at Didier Drogba, in the hope of causing a deflection of the ball past the keeper. However, this has resulted in numerous conflicts; Drogba wants to leave The Bridge because getting the ball kicked at his legs so often is causing serious damage to his face, as evidenced by the 677 times he was stretchered off the field last season with his hands over his face. Also, the FA's Dubious Goals panel has gone on strike, saying they're sick of deciding whether the deflected goals should be awarded to Lampard or to Drogba.
Chelsea have also attained special dispensation from the FA in recent seasons which allows John Terry to act as a second goalkeeper; a situation which has seen their skipper run Liverpool's Pepè Reina close for the Golden Glove award for 3 years with a string of fine saves.
But Scolari has vowed to put an end to these cynical tactics and knows that Abramovich will be watching his every move. ''I have come here to play good football. The Chelsea fans deserve massive credit for sticking with the team though this period, we could have had no complaints if they'd dug their United shirts out from the back of their closets.
''Abramovich has made it perfectly clear that he wants to see good football. He put his arm around me and he say 'Phil, I have confidence in you and I will give you the money you need to buy exciting players, but you must understand that you are under pressure.' He know I am a good manager. He also tell me about the poor football Mourinho and Grant play. He say he ask those two men for exciting football, for movement and tricks everywhere, like in a circus.
''He is disappointed because on the field he ask the previous managers for a cunning array of stunts, but all he get is a stunning array of c...''