Robert Mugabe won the 10,000 metres gold medal today, in a gruelling race that had spectators gripped.
At the starting line the president was the only runner, as all the other competitors had decided not to run, and from then on it was as competitive a race as the world has ever seen. By the second lap Mugabe was already in the lead, and at the turn on the fourth he had pulled hundreds of yards ahead of himself, and at the 5,000 metre mark he was able to slow down to grab some juice from his trainer.
And from then on the crowd roared as Mugabe began to lap himself, and on the final 400 metres he even did a few cartwheels, and stopped to sign autographs, before crossing the line in a Zimbabwean record of 3 weeks and 2 days.
But one of the race meeting judges, George Mbushkoke, claimed that the runner had actually cheated, although no rules had been broken. 'Why didn't we think of letting the other runners pull out in our 2004 Games, instead of rigging the race with running machines?', he asked a passing Latin American dictator. 'Oh hi, Augusto, how's your own sport of machine-gunning peasants doing? Need any more dollars?' But Mr Mugabe's trainer, American Wally Hip O'Crit said: 'The race was run fair and square, why not look at the fixed one in Florida? Kinda convenient to forget about that one, huh?'
The other 10,000 metres runners will now enter the Zimbabwe decathlon. The 10 events in it are catching the javelin, vaulting onto a pole, heading the shot, eating the discus, the mile spent running away from lions, the 400 metres hurdling dead farmers, the 10 metres sprinting away from bullets, fat dictator-lifting, the 1500 metres to find a decent cup of water, and of course the professional exhibition sport of taking a superbly run, peaceful and prosperous country, and turning it into a violent, bankrupt mess.
Mr Mbushkoke stormed out of the stadium in protest at the race result, and walked into a nearby lion's mouth.