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Tuesday, 18 May 2004

image for Emile Heskey to run "Heskeylator" escalator franchise
With the Heskeylator, even grandma can get up those stairs. Just remember: "Heskeylator - The Stair-Chair Escalator"

Emile Heskey's 5 million pound move today from Liverpool FC to Birmingham City FC has sparked off a string of remarkable revelations concerning the indomitable striker's business ventures.

The Heskeylator ®, the first of a number of stair-chair escalators for old people and muppets like Emile, has received widespread critical acclaim for its practicality and affordability, even Which? magazine praising it as "the best stair-chair escalator for old people and muppets like Emile" money can buy.

Emile, whose father used to be a gifted furniture craftsman, both came up with the idea and built it himself. It seems that he is particularly proud of his invention because it can even carry someone of his gargantuan weight without breaking (much).

"I was just getting so frustrating at falling on my face all the time, ya know. It got to the point where… where I was contemplating not ever getting up again… ever: no, not even if Michael offered me a wowwypop…"

After Heskey's failed suicide attempt in 2003 in which his fat ass prevented him from jumping into a 2000-metre-deep manhole, Liverpool football club were forced to accept the next best thing: selling him for a few bob. Heskey recounts his horrific suicide experience,

"I just wanted to fall one more time… and never stop falling. That was the dream, the nightmare, the fantasy, the reality…", he mused.

But Emile now hopes to resurrect his already fading career with a move to Birmingham, and under Steve Bruce - a manager capable of bringing out the Robbie Savage in all of us (that is, if we want to be lairy Welsh woofters) - he seems to have just the coach.

Even if he falls flat on his face on the pitch, as he surely must do, the Heskeylator will be there, both proverbially and literally, to pick him up again off it. The Heskeylator's slogan serves as a poignant and timely reminder of this BFG of a man's heroic take on life - after all:

"If Emile can do it, so can grandma!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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