Wimbledon - (Grand Slam/Thank You Ma'am Mess): Wimbledon slagging-off fortnight has kicked off with a ballsy attack on the monstrosity of women players by a spokesman for the Association of Male Tennis Wannabes.
Jaded US pro Justin Gimelslob has targeted every top seeded female player he's ever attempted schmoozing into a love-all game except one of the benevolent Williams sisters who regularly takes pity on the poor rejected mite.
"Effing penis-lacerating vampire bull dykes," Gimelslob, 39, blurted out in a TV interview, "especially Russians slags like that Anna Kournikova, forchrissakes.
"She may have a to-die-for body on the outside," Gimelslob complained, "but hell, her innards are like a slowly decomposing rancid slurry pit.
"Groan (sic) men disappear without a trace into that festering Bermuda Triangle Venus Flytrap, no offense Ms Williams, thanks for the blowjob last Sunday, by the way."
Gimelslob isn't too happy either about women's No 12 seed, the Russian-born Tania 'Backside' Golovin.
He claims the lissom 20 year-old frightened him so much with her man-eating prowess in the Stade Roland Garros men's shower room that his testicles retracted to a pre-missionary position favored by congenital eunuchs.
"Luckily I'm no longer limping or using medical supports, unlike Djokovic, poor mad fool he for ever doubting my warning."
Gimelslob's greatest loathing is reserved for 21 year-old decibel-smashing center court grunter Maria Sharapova whom he blames for the downward spiral into professional oblivion that has reduced men's Number One seed Roger Federer into a feeble promoter of dodgy crimpelene tennis cardigans for male also-rans.
"It's not just that garment is a sartorial disaster akin to David Beckham's floral sarong-cum-bum-thong," Gimelslob continued.
"It's those matching vicuna and lambswool bedsocks he says have cured his athlete's foot and fungal nail disease.
"That man is so over, it just hurts to even think about it."
Ana Ivanovic is a nubile 20.