Written by Monkey Woods
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Friday, 20 June 2008

image for England Rugby Union Players Assaulted One Of Their Own, Claim Police
It's easy to see why this crime happened. isn't it?

NEW ZEALAND: England Rugby Union players allegedly assaulted another one of their own squad members in a Auckland hotel room, according to a statement released today by New Zealand Police.

The players, it is claimed, were in the Hilton Hotel after England's 37-20 defeat by the All Blacks on Sunday, and became 'boisterous', throwing furniture around in an unbecoming manner, and "shouting, unrestrainedly as if they were having sex."

The claim comes after New Zealand Police released the four, as yet, unnamed players without charge, or clue, despite interviewing them savagely, using unconventional Maori interviewing techniques, which are forbidden throughout the rest of the world.

The techniques involve grasping the suspects swollen testicles in one hand, and stroking an axe blade with the other, whilst another detective recites ancient Maori texts, totally naked and smeared with mud.

The victim in the case has not yet been named, but it's thought it might be possible to identify the unwilling recipient from the bloodstains on the back of his shorts during the next Test.

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