Sir Alex Ferguson flew out to Basel in Switzerland today in a total rage to confront Cristiano Ronaldo on his desire to leave Manchester United and play for Real Madrid, resulting in the ultimate showdown.
Cristiano Ronaldo, the Portuguese winger, has hinted repeatedly his wish to "leave that Manc s**thole and join a real mans team!"
Sir Alex Ferguson arrived in Switzerland in a volcanic rage, venting his anger at a man with no legs who was begging for money outside the airport "Ge' a job ya wee s**t".
He marched into the hotel where Cristiano Ronaldo was staying, carrying only a small bag, heading straight for the pool area.
Sir Alex Ferguson immediately spotted Ronaldo getting out of the pool and shouted "Oi, you Portuguese winger, stop right there!" Onlookers reported Ronaldo looking like a little school boy, as he sat down on his bum and crossed his legs. Fergie approached him, sliding his arm slowly into his small bag, Ronaldo kept his eyes routed to the floor. "I've brought' a little somethin' for ya" said Fergie softly. Ronaldo lifted his head and widened his eyes - "Boss, you brought me the hairdryer!"
Minutes later Ronaldo was flopping his head forward in joy as he felt the smooth left hand of Fergie ruffling his hair while his right hand manoeuvred the small hairdryer around like an artist painting his very own Mona Lisa with the brush he made as a young child out of his own milk teeth.
"I don't know what I was thinking boss", murmured Ronaldo, "I want to stay with Man United - the best hair stylists ever"
"That's why Beckham had to go" said a close friend of Sir Alex, "he shaved his head as an act of defiance - how could Alex blow dry a bald head? He had to go! Why do you think Giggs and Scholes have been there so long? A good head of hair! You see now that they're losing a bit on top they go to the fringes of the team. And Japp Stam - say no more."
The whole incident reminded me of my recent trip to Funchalt, the fishing village where Ronaldo was born. I bumped into a couple of fishermen in a bar who told me that they used to teach Ronaldo how to deep sea dive when he was a child. When I mentioned the situation with Real Madrid one said "Stick with Sir Fergie, he a good hair dryer, maybe when he retire he make my hair good!" They burst into laughter and ruffled their hair. But you know what, maybe if Sir Alex does get bored when he eventually retires, he can come out to Funchalt and enjoy the kind of good times that I have shared with these two stupid fishermen sitting on the shore talking fish.